Chapter 13

Chapter 13 – The Joys of F*cking up Your Kid (part 4)


Paige’s inner demons rage and her body rebels. She cycles through one outburst after another. My usual methods of keeping us both sane – earplugs and songs – aren’t working.

And today she hasn’t even had a tremor.

“Paige, stop crying,” I sing. “Pleeease stop crying!” I walk up and down the hallway, holding her over my shoulder. Andrew and I do this every day. I wonder how long it’ll take before the carpet is threadbare.

There is no apparent reason for her to be upset! She was happy and then BOOM – she erupted a blood curdling shriek!

In her bedroom, I grab a blanket. “Maybe you’ll feel better if I bundle you.” It isn’t a suggestion, it’s a bribe.


Juggling her in one arm, I lay out the blanket with my other. She isn’t having a tremor despite her body being stiff, yet flailing about. Her crying shoots up an octave when I lay her down on the blanket.

“C’mon Paige,” I say through clenched teeth. Her legs move fiercely as though kicking herself toward the water’s surface to prevent drowning. “You’ll feel better if you let me wrap you up…” I hold her down with one arm and reach for the blanket’s edge with the other. Her leg shoots up and she bellows.

“Fine!” I spit out the word, oozing negativity. “Have it your way!” It becomes clear to me why parents suffocate or shake their babies. I grab Paige’s security blanket and visualize stuffing it over her face so she will SHUT UP!

Appalled, I freeze. I sweep Paige off the changing table and put her unceremoniously into the crib. I run out of the room and slam the door, her cries becoming hysterical. In the bathroom, I turn on the fan to drown out her high-pitched squeals and sit down on the closed toilet.

“You’re not a bad mother, you’re not a bad mother,” I whisper over and over.

But I don’t believe it.

Alone in the bathroom, my gasping sobs flow freely. Burying my face in my hands, I moan, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take! God, what were you thinking when you gave me Paige??”

A gentle voice tells me, You need her as much as she needs you. I think it over and a quiet stillness washes over me. I don’t understand but I’m back in control.


I take a deep breath and open Paige’s bedroom door. Her cries are shaky and she is gasping. Guilt slices through my heart; she is mildly hyperventilating.

I pick her up and hold her close. “I’m sorry, Paige,” I whisper. “I know it’s not your fault.”


2 thoughts on “Chapter 13 – The Joys of F*cking up Your Kid (part 4)

  1. When we first brought Kaden home he would push us to the limit sometimes just to see what he could get away with. One day it was just to much everything seemed to be an issue,I put him in his room and told him he was their until breakfast which was the next day,I went into the living room Sat there and just rocked and felt so bad for what I just did I also wondered if this was why I could not have children maybe I wasn’t capable of dealing with it. I cooled myself down went in to his room told him I was sorry he looked at me at four years of age and told me he was sorry too. At that point I just picked him up and held him. It was tough at first but we all got to a point now where things are good.

    Liked by 1 person

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